… and I want to start my reaparition with a wonderful poem by John O’Donohue (copied from poetry-chaikhana):
Awaken to the mystery of being here and enter the quiet immensity of your own presence.
Have joy and peace in the temple of your senses.
Receive encouragement when new frontiers beckon.
Respond to the call of your gift and the courage to follow its path.
Let the flame of anger free you of all falsity.
May warmth of heart keep your presence aflame.
May anxiety never linger about you.
May your outer dignity mirror an inner dignity of soul.
Take time to celebrate the quiet miracles that seek no attention.
Be consoled in the secret symmetry of your soul.
May you experience each day as a sacred gift woven around the heart of wonder.
And even this joke has its cultural and geographical background…
I would like to see myself being far more generous than I really am. “With you, I would have the courage to do all this”, she said, but I was not there on time, or just not clear enough to make this vision come true. I am incredibly sad and sorry for that. As if my (not even existent) plans had been more important than what the real moment and the real persons in my actual life actually demanded from me. What a fatal misunderstanding of “self fulfilment”! Why didn’t anyone tell ever tell me this? (not even my mother)… What erroneous kind of culture is this?
We have been fighting so long for her. Now the fight is lost. She left this world.
It is very stirring when a person you love dies because she refuses to eat and drink. It comes near to a suicide, difficult not to feel guilty and ask yourself whether you could have done more to make life more attractive to her, whether you could have loved her better.
But then again: when you decide for yourself enough is enough, you have had a good life and there is no reachable thing left to be done, than nobody should and probably could not even make you stay. They can make it hard for you to leave, but they can not hinder you.
So I could see it also that way: maybe the nurses at her last station took her more seriously than everyone before, and that’s why they would not even give her body some liquid anymore – besides what she would take orally, which was almost nothing. Which made dying quite fast since she was with those people. Would I only know if this was what she wanted! It would be easier for me not to rebel against her dying.
She wanted us to listen to the following words at her funeral:
Therefore you have grief now; but I will see you again, and your heart will rejoice, and no one will take your joy away
Listen to it, Brahms choose these words for his Requiem (A German Requiem, To Words of the Holy Scriptures, Op. 45), the quoted part starts at 0:39:27:
Another wonderful walk through a November forest…
Which leaves are part of the puzzle? Why are they here? Why do I find them while many just pass without noticing? Who arranged this? Strange things… But maybe it is not about WHY, but about being creative with whatever resources life throws on your way?
When I was awake at night I found this amazing story in one of our old fairy tale books… the story of a mother (in German: Geschichte einer Mutter) . The story of a mother negotiating with Death…
I try to connect to my suffering mate from heart to heart and show the love and peace I am capable to feel behind all things. In myself, independently from the outer world. I feel empathy and compassion, as I share her condition of being a part of this world, but the goddess – and the goddess inside of me – is indifferent to these earthly troubles. It is not cruelty but grace. I think this is where peace in our hearts can be found. So I tell her I am sure her soul will find comfort – and I can see in her eyes that this is what she wanted so much to hear.
To which world does love belong?
Not to know what will happen tomorrow is a grace. It reduces suffering to the moment, while it extends love and happiness to the whole universe. Take your chance!
So don’t spoil the true colours of your life with mindfucking speculations, leave fears behind and don’t rely on hopes. Learning to live the moment to its fullest is all you can do to make things better! But this will help a lot!